Growing up I was unlike those I shared a home with. School was my favorite place in the world and I loved coming home to work on assignments. Learning was and always has been enjoyable for me. That was not the case for my mother who dropped out as a teen when she became pregnant with my older brother. He, and our younger brother took after her and did not care for school. Smart, but they lacked a sense of respect for authority figures and that led them down a bad educational path. That was the main reason I almost always felt like an outsider when it came to our family. Much like little bee girl in Blind Melon’s “ No Rain” video, I too yearned to find where I belonged. This also explains why Matilda remains one of my favorite movies. Cinema aside, I was drawn to this video years ago and it still can put a smile on my face.
The world is a big place and those who can walk into a room and instantly feel comfortable with their ability to befriend the inhabitants and fit in, those are the lucky ones. The rest of us sit with awkward eyes, always nervous about saying hello to anyone new. “What if they hate me?” is often the first thought we have. As a kid I hated making new friends and that’s why I often stayed with the same people for years. Why branch out when the ones you have are working. Usually people outgrew me, not the other way around. Hell, I’d likely still be best buds with my kindergarten pals if they didn’t get “cool” on me once we hit middle school.
It’s fine though, new people introduced themselves to me…I survived. I guess it’s all for the best though because we’re supposed to change as we grow older and I should not be the same person I was at five, 15 or even 25…obsessed with donuts, writing sad lyrics all over everything or even following bands like it was my job. Today those things still hold a piece of my heart, but I no longer feel I belong to those same sentiments. Even today, I’m continuously searching for where I belong. Like the little girl in this video that made me feel like there was something out there for me, I guess all I have to do is search and I will find.